I debated about blogging about this for a while. It’s a touchy subject for me, and there’s lots of other motivational stories out there already. But, if my story can help inspire even one other person, it’s worth adding it to the pile.
I’ve struggled with my weight and self esteem for years. The earliest I can remember being fully aware of it was around age 8. I used to do workout videos with my mom, and eventually on my own, to lose weight. I was called “fatass” on the school ground, there was one kind who called me a “whale” and made reference to “all that blubber.” When I was ten I was bullied by another group of kids, and I remember admitting to my teacher that I know I was “a bit overweight.”
Pictures of me as a little girl show just that – a normal little girl with a bit of a chubby face.
It’s really messed up to think about, especially now as an adult. I hope my future children never go through that.
At the time, I don’t remember it actively bothering me, other than me thinking “okay, I am fat.” Not in a self loathing way, but more of a this is just a fact. I always thought that I was shrugging it off. It’s only now as an adult that I can see the true damage.
I’ve never thought of myself as super pretty – I mean, I have moments where I dress up and I know I look good – but on an average day? Nah. I’ve never liked looking in the mirror if there are other people around because all I could see was how big I looked compared to them. Same goes for pictures. There was only one time in my life where I liked how I looked, and that was my last two years of high school. I was going to the gym twice a week and it showed.
For our wedding, Greg and I wanted to get back into shape. Going to the gym again was so hard for me. I’d put on 50lbs since my grade twelve year, and I always felt as though people were looking at me. Mocking me to their friends. Were they really? Probably not, and I knew that, but it’s still a hard feeling to shake. I felt so incredibly self conscious, and there were some exercises that I didn’t want to do because of it. I needed to work my way up to that. I know Greg got a bit frustrated with me at times, but it’s a hard thing to explain.
(I want to add that he is wonderfully patient and supportive, always. I still don’t know if he understands exactly how bad it could be, but he tries to and that’s all I can ask for. I wouldn’t have come this far without him)
After my final dress fitting a month before the wedding, I had to stop in order not to lose anymore weight. That threw me off my new routine.
After the wedding we found out we were moving. Between the increase in take out meals (due to not wanting to buy too many groceries) and the stress of it all, I put on more weight. And I felt awful.
However when I got back home from Denmark, I discovered that I’d lost almost 20lbs!
This, coupled with an unfortunate situation with a cute new skirt being just a bit too snug gave me the final push that I needed.
No one can change how I see myself but me.
I set a weight goal of 175lbs (which was around what I weighed my last year of high school) but I’m using it more as a guide. I’m also using MyFitnessPal for tracking meals and nutrition (again, as a guide), Mapmyfitness for walking and exercise logs, and 7 Minute Workout for a twice daily routine. I’m challenging myself to do this for a month straight and see what my results are.
The above picture is me when I started wedding workout, and a picture from today. I’m down exactly 10lbs in the after picture, but closer to 25 down from my “just before moving” weight.
It’s not about the pounds though. More than anything, I want to work on my self esteem, and that’s going to be the hardest of all.
However, I like a challenge.